Doomed Dogs
by dot823
Summary: We all know that Jasper killed over 29 cats, but what about Emmett? It's not like he's a little vampire angel!
1. Hunter

**a/n Ok, so this is the first chapter of the OTHER story about animals the a Cullen member killed…let me say now I AM NOT A FAN OF ANIMAL ABUSE! I WOULD NEVER WANT THIS TO HAPPEN TO ANY ANIMALS!!! And plus…read at LEAST part of the Notes story (ch 97) to understand this story a bit better!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these animals or vampire…or anything else famous I mention in this story!**

Doomed Dogs

It was a 'normal' day in the Cullen house until Carlisle came home. He had a big dog on a leash trying to run inside before him.

The dog was mostly black along his body, until his head. Part of his muzzle and a bit around his mouth and nose were light brown and white, and he had little light brown spots where a humans eyebrows would be. It's tongue was hanging out and it's eyes were big and bright.

"Carlisle? Why do you have a dog?" Esme asked.

"Well, I had a patient, and he was a hermit before he came to the hospital, and had this dog, and he was dying. I didn't change him because it'd be too obvious now, unlike back when I changed Edward, so I sorta couldn't, and he gave me the dog," Carlisle said all that stuff above.

"Oh…that explains it…I think," Jasper spoke.

Now, Emmett hadn't come down the stairs yet cuz he was on some famous website or another doing something and had to finish it, but now he did, so he came downstairs!

"EEEP!! DOGGY DOGGY!!" He said, very happily, before running over at vampire speed, freaking the heck out of the dog, named Hunter, cuz the owner was bad at coming up with good names so named it what it did to help him out.

When he reached Hunter he started to hug hunter really really tightly…basically crushing a few internal organs and bones. Well, more than a few. A LOT. Yeah, a lot will work!

So the dog was basically making wheezing sounds and trying do get out and junk like that, until Emmett lifted him up in the hug and started to shake back and forth really quickly, when he died!

"Well…At least I'm not the only one who has a habit of killing innocent house pets…" Jasper commented, while smirking at Emmett.

"SHUT UP!! I HATE MY EXISTANCE!!" Emmett said like a bratty teenaged girl who is really spoiled and was denied something, then he ran up the stairs and into his room, causing the house to shake.

"Well…that didn't go as well as I had hoped…" Carlisle announced, then grabbed the dogs body and buried it in the woods a little ways away from the house.

Carlisle learned: NEVER, ever, EVER, ect. Let a patient choose him to keep their dog when they die.

Grave:

Here Lies Hunter

May he Rest In Peace, and…

May no other dogs that have hermit owners who have Carlisle as a doctor choose to leave the dog with Carlisle.

**a/n so here's the first chapter…I WILL PROBABLY NEED IDEAS so if you have one…tell me! It can be anything! A name, an idea for the dog to die, a 'grave' or a lesson learned!! Also, there was no beta available for this chapter, but when there is one, it'll most likely just be one of my friends who write too. I'll tell you the beta if there is one.**


	2. Jelly

**a/n so this is the second chapter…the idea of how the dog died comes from Emmetts Random GF and everything else came from me…please review people! And this is pre-Bella, ok?**

Doomed Dogs

_Yumyumyummy!_ Emmett thought, as he drank the blood of a rabid squirrel, _animals with rabies are the BEST! They had just gone crazy and their blood is crazy good…yuuuuumm!_

As he finished, a dog came and licked his lips, covered in blood, since he's a messy drinker.

The dog was a border collie, black and white, with black ear sockets and eyes, sorta like a mask, and a jelly bean shaped spot in her side.

"Ooh!! I shall name you Jelly and you shall be mine Jelly and you shall live for more than a day as my Jelly!" Emmett said, really weirdly…then ran home with scared pooch on his back.

When he got home he locked all the doors and junk and let the doggie go loose around the house.

"WHAT THE FUDGE IS THAT THING!!" Rosalie asked.

"IT'S GOING TO EAT MY SHOE!!" Alice screeched. Then she screamed and junk as she DID eat her shoe.

"JELLY! BE GOOD!" Emmett called, and the dog ran under a bed.

"WHAT THE FUDGE!! I'M READING A BOOK CALLED TWILIGHT DOWN HERE!!" Jasper said, always the one for romantic novels and vampires and that chiz…

"A new book? Tell me about it as I wrestle this mongrel down the stairs…" Esme said, knowing that it would be a romance.

"Well, it's about a girl who falls in love with a vampire named Edward," Jasper started.

"SHUT UP JASPER! YOU KNOW THAT YOU USING OUR NAMES WON'T MAKE ME FALL IN LOVE WITH ANYONE!!" Edward yelled.

"But it's the truth! The vampires name is Edward!" Jasper whined back.

"Stop fighting! Esme, you can borrow it after Jasper finishes it, and let's get that dog to Emmett already!" said Carlisle.

"YAAAY! JELLY!! HI JELLY! YOU'RE MY JELLY AND YOU SHALL STAY MY JELLY FOR EVER AND EVER AND EVER!!!" said Emmett, once the dog was downstairs.

"What the fudge? I thought I was yours forever and ever and ever!" Rosalie said.

"Yeah, but you aren't my JELLY! You're my ROSALIE!" Emmett pointed out.

THAT is when the dog got rabies! He basically went crazy around the house and up to Edwards room, where he was being emo and listening to Claire De Lune and other Debussy music.

"WHAT THE FUDGE?!" he said, then Emmett ran up the stairs and tried to stop the dog from going crazy.

"Oops…" Emmett said, stealing Jaspers line from all the kitties he's killed, as he accidentally stepped on Jelly's head and it went flat. And all sorts of disgusting stuff that I won't elaborate on happened. But Edward got a new carpet!!

Emmett learned: NEVER let a doggie lick your lips after you drank a rabid squirrel's blood, unless all the blood is off…but still!!

Grave:

Here lies Jelly

May she rest in peace, and…

May no other dogs lick Emmett's lips after he drank a rabid squirrels blood and didn't clean his lips.

**a/n haha…that was kinda fun to write…**


	3. Prissy

**a/n sorry for not writing in forever…I wanted to write some other stuff…THE NAME FOR THIS CHAPTER CAME FROM iloveedward94**

Doomed Dogs

Once apon a time…

Rosalie was a bored little self-centered vampire!

When she was bored, she got a doggy! And that dog was just like her! Even with the blond, long, fur! The doggy was a golden retriever girl, with a big attitude!

"Let's name her Prissy!" Edward said.

"No!" Rosalie argued.

"Haha…Prissy…" Emmett said. Then he got punched by Rosalie.

The name stuck, and from then on, the dog was called Prissy. But Rosalie loved the dog SOOOO much, that she played more with it than she did get 'exercise' with Emmett!! Therefore, Emmett was a lonely one-up addict.

He was soooo mad, that one day, he had a big tantrum!

He jumped around and stomped his feet, and Prissy just laid in her bed. Emmett went over to the bed, and pointed at her, telling Rosalie that he hated the dog, and he accidentally stepped in the bed, and on Prissy!

Prissy didn't even have a chance to gag, cuz she died, after a series of cracks and snaps and squishy sounds.

"Oops?" Emmett said.

"Grrrr…" Rosalie started, then tore him apart and put part of him on each of the 7 wonders of the world.

Rosalie learned: don't try to get a dog…EVER…you're jealous, childish, husband will just kill them ALL off! –cries-

Grave:

Here Lies Prissy

May she rest in peace, and…

May no other dogs make Emmett jealous enough to have a temper tantrum!

**Sorry it's so short and kinda boring…I'm just excited that in only 6 hours, it's going to be a new year…**


	4. Baron

**a/n so here you go…another chapter of…THIS STORY! Lol…anywayz…the name of this dog was made by The Darkest Point, who used to be known as iloveedward94 so thanks!!**

Doomed Dogs

Yet again, the Cullens had a normal day…until about noon. But that's not bad! Twelve hours, midnight til noon, of normality! But anywayz…the way the day became un-normal, was that in an attempt to make himself better around cats, Jasper got a dog!

Ok, can I hear a 'what the fudge does that have to do with cats?' out there? The answer is nothing!! Except maybe they're both cats…but anyway!

Jasper named the dog, for no reason, Baron. The dog was brown, and a wiener doggy, cuz I have no idea how to spell the real name, other than it's not how it sounds…which WOULD have made it be spelled doxon, but it's not.

Anywayz, Jasper's short-furred, brown, doggy named Baron was stupid. It went to Emmett for a belly rub, and Emmett, forget his name, even with his super memory, only knew that there was a 'Ba' and then a 'on' in between some unknown letter, to him. He decided, in a stupid moment, that the name shall now be 'bacon' and that he would cook Bacon for Bella, since humans eat bacon!

So he did, and after a not-so-violent death of a little wiener-doggy named Baron, or as Emmett says, bacon, Emmett STILL acted like an idiot.

"EATEATEATEATEAAAAAAAAAT!!" he said to Bella, holding the poor, cooked, doggy to a poor, sickened, Bella's face.

"EW! IS THAT BARON? JASPERS DOGGY!!!!" Bella said, and Alice ran in.

"Yup, that's Baron," she said, looking at said doggy.

"NOOOO! It's Bacon! That's why I cooked it! Humans eat bacon!!" Emmett, being the idiot that he is, said.

Then, Jasper got home from hunting, to see that his wife and her best friend(that he couldn't even go near) was staring at Emmett, who help a plate with a doggy-shaped burnt piece of meat.

"What type of meat is that?" he said, just as stupid as Emmett at the moment.

"Dog."

"WHAT THE FUDGE?!!?!?" Jasper said, realizing that he had a dog.

"Well, you shouldn't name a dog Bacon!" Emmett said.

"I. Didn't. Name. My. Dog. Bacon. I. Named. It. Baron!!!!!" Jasper had his little tantrum thingy, and all of a sudden, Bella was mad too!!

"Grrr…" said Bella.

"Whoa…EDWARD GET A HOLD OF YOUR GIRLFRIEND, SHE'S A MEANY! SHE GROWLED!!" Emmett said, genuinely scared of Bella.

"GrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRR!!!" said Jasper.

"meep...ALICE GET A HOLD OF YOUR HUSBAND HE'S SCARRRRRY!!!"

"Grrrrrrrr…" said Alice.

"uh oh…" Emmett realized, he was gonna die! He then added, "Oops?"

Jasper jumped him for stealing his line and cooking his dog, and Bella tried to jump in, but Alice saw and grabbed her, Edward came and took her, and she tried to jump of Emmett while being held back by Edward. Alice then went and also jumped on Emmett, tearing off his head!

"Oooh…cool!!!!" Bella said, as they tore Emmett apart.

"I know. Want me to do that to Alice? She insists you'll be like me…" Edward whispered to Bella.

"Nope. I insist I'll be like you too" Bella commented, then watched as they tore him into enough pieces that they could put on in each country in the world, then did that!!

Jasper learned: Never name any dog ANYTHING close to the name of a food, or Emmett will cook it and try to force Bella to eat it

Grave:

Here Lies Baron

May he rest in peace, and…

May no other dog be cooked because Emmett doesn't know the different between an R and a C.

**a/n yaaay! By the way, if you give me an idea, don't expect it to be used until chapter 8 or later, depending on how many more I think of right now…or later!! Anywayz…this is what you get now…bye!**


	5. Spot

**a/n I decided you guys deserve at LEAST two chapters tonight, BUT I need to tell you SCHOOL IS STARTING AND I MAY NOT UPDATE A LOT!!! Anywayz, here's the first one!!!**

Doomed Dogs

"Lalalalalalalaaaaa!" Alice said while shopping, "Oh! Puppies!"

She had gone past a pet store, and now went in it! When she looked at the puppies, she thought one was super adorable. It was a while doggy with a single brown spot on its back.

"Awwww! I will get you and name you Spot!" She said, then got the doggy.

When she got home, Emmett was acting like he wanted to be exactly like Esme, so he basically cleaned everything!!!! (Weird much?)

Alice told everyone about her puppy, and Emmett went to hug him.

"Ewwy," he said, "dirty."

Everyone looked at him like he was crazy, since Alice cleaned Spot earlier, and Alice played with him.

The next day, Emmett is waiting for his chance to…CLEAN THE DOGGY!

Alice leaves, shopping, and everyone else leaves to do whatever too, so he's home alone with the doggy. Emmett finally got his chance!! Yaaaaay!!!!

Anyway…Emmett got the tub ready, and started to wash the doggy.

"Dang it! Stupid spot won't get off his back!!" He kept saying, scrubbing the dog so hard it was hurting Spot.

About an hour of scrubbing later, Spot stopped struggling…and his heart stopped beating.

"AW SHIZ!!!" Emmett said, then took the dog outside, and covered it with a weak pile of dirt. "They'll never know! Mwahaha!!"

At that second, they Cullens all returned simultaneously.

"OMG!!! MY DOGGY!!! WHY EMMETT??!?!?! WHYYYYYY??!?!?!" Alice shrieked, screamed, and yelled.

"I was trying to wash his back, and that stupid spot wouldn't come off! It's not my fault that he died while I was giving him a bath!" Emmett said.

"You IDIOT!!" Alice screamed, then ran upstairs.

"What?" Emmett said.

"That wasn't a stain, Emmett, that was his fur. He had a spot of brown colored fur," Jasper explained.

"Oh…" Emmett started, as Alice watched from the big glass window.

_He better not say it…he better not say it…_she thought. But he did!!

"Oops…"

With that, Alice attacked.

"STOP SAYING OOPS!!!!" she said, as she jumped down from the third floor, breaking the glass wall.

She then beat Emmett, but didn't get a chance to tear him, because Jasper pulled her off and calmed her down.

Alice learned: explain to Emmett that the spot on your dog IS NOT A STAIN if you want him to NOT wash your dog to death trying to remove a nonexistent stain. –growls-

Grave:

Here Lies Spot

May he rest in peace, and…

May no other spot on a dog be mistaken for a stain and be 'cleaned' by Emmett!

**a/n I know, it stinks..I don't know WHY but I just can't write anything really funny right now…maybe it's that I'm doomed to go to school tomorrow…anywayz…I promised you two chapter, and you're getting two chapters, even if they both stink!!**


	6. Lassie

**a/n sorry about not updating twice…I didn't have time afterwards to write the second…I don't know about today either, it all depends on a lot of things…I doubt it though, I'm probably going to do some other homework things that aren't due tomorrow, so I can write Face Down or something tomorrow…OH!! THE NAME IS The Darkest Point's IDEA!!**

Doomed Dogs

"Hmmm…what am I going to do today?" Emmett said.

"Oh, you're doing something you'll regret!!" Alice answered the rhetorical question.

"It wasn't a question I wanted you to answer!" Emmett informed Alice.

"Rhetorical."

"What's rhetorical?" Emmett asked.

"No, I was saying that they word you were looking for what rhetorical. That's what a question that you don't want someone to actually answer is." Alice told him, thinking _idiot._

"I agree," Edward said.

"To what?" Emmett asked.

"Nothing, forget it Emmett…go figure out what you're doing for yourself," Alice said.

"Well, fine then!" Emmett said, then went to his bedroom, to play with his toy rocket ship.

As he went up, he had a random flashback!

_-flashback begins-_

"_Emmett, one of these days you'll want to try to get a dog, just like Jasper tried for one…" Alice said._

"_Good idea! I'll do that some day soon!"_

_-flashback ends-_

"Ooooh!!! It's some day soon!!!" Emmett, being his idiotic self, said.

"Some day soon what?" Jasper asked, magically appearing for no reason.

"I'm gonna get a doggy!!" Emmett said.

"Not a good idea…" Jasper warned.

"Pshaw, no!! It's an awesome idea!!" Emmett said, appalled at what Jasper said.

"Whatever…" Jasper left, holding a book in his hand.

With that, Emmett ran back downstairs, leaving his messy little toy area, though Rosalie ALWAYS told him to clean up.

He left the house and Edward was laughing for some reason on the floor, Alice was snickering too.

When Emmett got back, everyone was sad.

"Why is everyone so sad?" Emmett asked.

"Jasper."

"Jasper."

"Jasper."

"Jasper."

"Jasper."

All those people saying Jasper were Alice, Edward, Esme, Bella, and Carlisle. ROSALIE had a different reason…

"You left a mess, and I have found a not-perfect hair on my perfect head…" she said, and started sobbing.

"So if there's a not-perfect one, then that means your head isn't perfect." Emmett pointed out, then was tackled.

THAT is when everybody saw what was in the car. A dog.

"Ha. Told you." Alice said.

"I do not regret getting a dog." Emmett said.

"Not YET, you don't."

"What ev!"

"…DO NOT say 'what ev' it's seriously NOT for guys." Rosalie said.

"Wait…why's Jasper sad?"

"I'm sad cuz I just finished a book…called a Walk To Remember. It made me cry!"

"Dork."

"Anywayz…get the dog…what's it's name?" Esme said.

"Lassie."

"Original much?" Bella said with a load of sarcasm.

"Thank you! But I saw it in a movie," said Emmett.

"No dur," Bella mumbled, though everyone could here.

So Emmett did what he was told. They took care of Lassie properly for about TWO days before everyone but Emmett was out. He was about to leave.

"Go on out and go poopy!" Emmett told Lassie.

Lassie went outside, and Emmett followed about 2 minutes later. He didn't check for Lassie, just got in his Jeep and backed up, really quickly. When he heard a bunch of cracks and snaps and squishy sounds, right after hearing a choking sound and sounds of a dog dying.

"Oopsy…" Emmett said, then ran out, buried the dog, ect.

When everyone comes home, they notice that there's a LOT of blood on his bumper and junk, and Bella said something we alllllll recognize…

"I'm betting on Alice."

Emmett learned: don't let a doggy out to go to the bathroom then back out without checking where doggy is!!

Grave:

Here Lies Lassie

May she rest in peace, and…

May no other dogs be run over by a vampire…especially the one that ADOPTED IT!!!

**a/n I'm soooo annoyed right now...I press down here, and it takes me to the top of the doc, like 10 times, and my sister stole my computer when I left for a sec cuz her computer is broken since he fills it with useless stuff...sorry, but I doubt another chapter tonight, I'm too ticked off...and now it says I pressed enter and the extra space won't go away...sorry**


	7. Princess

**a/n so here's the next chapter!! It seems like I've updated only every other day…sorry about that! I'll TRY to update MORE than once today…but I've said that before, so yeah…and…ALL OF THIS IS AN IDEA BY LANNA-MISS-SUNSINE!!**

Doomed Dogs

Alice, yet again, tried for a dog with spots, thought this time, it was a Dalmatian! So yeah…she's here with a Dalmatian, who has an amazing, hot pink and bedazzled with REAL diamond, collar, and Emmett's out there hunting in the near-by woods. What happens is a very odd thing.

"Lalalaa!" Alice said, and went outside to play fetch with the doggy, that she named Princess.

So she keeps throwing it, and Princess won't fetch! So she's thinking of throwing farther, and does! Then does again, as Princess actually went after it! Soon, she found herself throwing it out in the forest, and didn't realize what would happen next…

Emmett, in his silliness, saw the stick flying, and knew a dog would be near under it, but didn't realize it was probably Alice's dog, since no human could throw that high…

So Emmett goes after doggy, and kills it! NOOO!! PRINCESS!!! NOOOOOOO!!!! He thought, as he realized who it was, and he also thought of running away, rather than face the scariness that is angry Alice.

He decided not to, and got the collar of Princess off her, running back.

"Oops," he said, before getting in Alice's eyesight, then went into it to show he was holding the collar.

"OMG! AGAIN! YOU STEAL MY HUSBANDS LINE AND YOU KILL MY DOGGY!!" Alice says.

She starts to beat him, and everyone else, hearing the noise, came out to see Alice beating a whimpering Emmett. Not a sight you'd expect to see in real life, eh?

So anyway, everybody is confused, except Edward, who's laughing on the ground. Once he's able to stop laughing a bit, he tells them of the event.

"HAHAHAHAHA!!" says everyone else.

Alice learned: when playing fetch with a dog, well, make sure Emmett isn't hunting near by, or stay out of the woods!

Grave:

Here Lies Princess

May she rest in peace, and…

May no other dogs run into Emmett while hunting…especially when they're Alice's dogs and playing fetch…that would just stink for her…

**a/n so yeah…sorry if it sucks…by the way…new ideas? I have one more, from my boyfriend, and that's all!**


	8. Zaydee

**a/n argh…I'm REALLY annoyed cuz I really want to type up this story I'm writing in my notebook and put it up, but I have NO ideas for names…I'll probably end up searching for names…anywayz…sorry for the little-to-no-updates-lately Me has been busy girl! Oh…and I NEED IDEAS!!! I have names, thanks to The Darkest Point, but nothing else…please? Even if you include a name?**

**Disclaimer: My a/n is already too long, so here I shall tell you the…um…weapon was my boyfriend's idea. He wanted me to have it be used against Edward, since he hates how much I love Edward, but I said nah…and the name is The Darkest Point's idea.**

Doomed Dogs

Once apon a time-well, actually, it was yesterday- It was rainy in Forks, Washington. Yeah, it's rainy almost everyday, but anywayz, this day was important!

Esme was super-duper board because she had no one to hang out with. All her kids were at school, and Carlisle at work. She decides, in a stupid, very Emmett-like(no offense, Em!), moment, that she would get a doggy!! YAAAY!

The doggy she got, she named Zaydee because she liked the way it sounded, plus it wasn't something stupid, like Fufu(no offense to anyone who named their dog or animal that.).

So Emmett was immediately jealous, but he had watched a show yesterday involving anvils…so, after remembering his promise to Edward-it was more like a bet, if he'd actually collect them- he started collecting anvils, buying them at stores-what story, I have no idea, but stores!

So Emmett comes home and rushes to his and Rosalies room, not realizing-coughnotcough- ok, so he did realize, but according to him, he didn't realize, that Zaydee was so close that if he accidentally 'tripped' or 'dropped' an anvil out the window, Zaydee, an innocent golden retriever that wasn't even a puppy, would be squashed, and die! Yaaay!-coughbuttheadEmmettcough- sorry, I guess I have a REALLY bad cough today!

Emmett decided that his horrible plan was awesome, and because Alice was shopping, she didn't have time to stop him as he flew up the last steps and into his room. He went to the window, and 'accidentally' dropped an anvil. Out the window. Right on top of Zaydee.

And the anvil fell…and fell…and fell…and Zaydee, doing one of those things where you SEE the thing coming, but you don't get out of the way, you just brace for it, even though you have the time, just braced for being thwonked on the head by an anvil that was falling from the third stinking floor!

Aaaaand…SMASH! SQUANK! EWWY MESSY!!!! CRACK CRACK!! DYING SOUNDS!!! SILENCE!!!! Oh wait…I mean –silence- :D

Emmett ran down the stairs, where Esme was fuming, while kneeling over the doggy's messed up remains. Then, with all their strength, Jasper and Edward held back Esme as she was going to attack Emmett.

"EMMETT MCCARTY CULLEN!!! YOU ARE SO GROUNDED!!!!!" She screeched.

"Oopsie?" Emmett said.

Then, in a puff of anger, Jasper let go of Esme, and Edward started laughing at what Jasper was thinking-what he was thinking, I don't know…they never told ME! The person WRITING this stuff down…but anywayz, enough about their not telling me what the heck is going on.

Esme when SWOOSHZOOM! And started to tear up Emmett!! Yaaay!! And no one stopped her, mostly cuz Carlisle thought Emmett needed to stop with his idiocy, and everyone else was either laughing, ticked off, bored, or gone! Yaaay!

In a nutshell, or vampire skin, or whatever, Emmett almost died because he's a jealous-type vampire who likes to kill innocent doggies!!! –fake cheers-

Esme learned: Don't let your son start an anvil collection and get a dog-it'll end with one less dog and almost –growls- one less vampire in this world.

Grave:

Here Lies Zaydee

May she rest in peace and…

May no other dog be killed in a strangely cartoonish way because Emmett likes anvils and Esme likes dogs at the same time.

**a/n remember guys, I NEED MORE IDEAS FOR DEATHS OR WEAPONS OR ANYTHING!!!(I have a few more names, though.)**


	9. Aslan

**a/n sorry for the long wait…I was writing When Worlds Collide and other stuff :) really quickly, the name was thought of by The Darkest Point, and the death and type of dog are The Psychopath blonde**

Doomed Dogs

So once apon a time, Edward decided to try to get a REALLY ugly hairless dog. It had no tail, and was basically just…no one else would get it, that's how ugly it was.(no offense to people who have them…this one is especially ugly (: ) Edward named the ugly dog Aslan, for no reason at all, except that he liked it.

At the same time, Emmett was still collecting cartoon weapons, one being a flame thrower.

He was running around with it, when Aslan barked, and Emmett, the weirdo he is, shrieked in fear, then threw flames at Aslan.

The doggy was burned to a sad crisp, and Edward was there a second later, growling. Emmett threatened to throw flames at HIM too, but Edward scared him WAY too much.

"Oops?" Emmett said before being attacked mercilessly by Edward.

Edward learned: Give up dogs. Period.

Grave:

Here Lies Aslan

May he rest in peace, and…

May Emmett never be aloud near cartoon weapons and may Edward never get the ugly dog again

**a/n so here's the chapter, sorry it's short…the next chapter is actually going to be really big, if I do it correctly!!!**


	10. Valair

**a/n sorry for the huge wait! I haven't been in the mood for writing much, trust me. In the last 3 days, I've written only about 2 pages of my story, Death Is Sour, in hand-writing! And I don't write neatly, trust me…oh, and to The Darkest Point(and anyone else who wants to give names) I'm almost out! Only this chappie and the next 2, then I'll be out, unless I think of some!!**

**Who came up with what:**

**Emmett's Random GF came up with basically the whole story part**

**The Darkest Point came up with the name!**

Doomed Dogs

One apon a time, Alice and Bella decided they wanted pets! Alice got a kitty, and Bella got a doggy!!! Yaaay! Bella's doggy was a pertyful Chihuahua, and Alice's kitty was an orange tabby cat with a white spot around it's nose and mouth. The Chihuahua had all white fur that was long.

"Pwease!" they had said to Esme and Carlisle.

"Fiiine, but take good care of them! Keep them away from Emmett and Jasper too," Esme said.

"Ok! We will!" Alice promised.

So now they have them, and they're partying and junk, lalalaaaa, ect. Soon after they got the pets though, Jasper, Emmett, and Esme were home while the kitty was killed.

Emmett was in stealth mode, watching kitty for no reason what-so-ever. Jasper was in his room, and Chihuahua named Valair, cuz Bella thought it was a cool name, was in the same room as kitty. Esme was outside, yaay!

So yeah, Valair snuck up on kitty, and bit it's neck! Kitty when limp, and Valair started sucking it's bloooood!! Aaaaah!!!

While he did this, the others got back, so Emmett freaked out, as Valair finished, and started running out of the house.

"VALAIR IS A CHIHUAHAUCABRA!! CHIHUAHUACABRA ALERT!! CHIHUAHUACABRA ALERT!!!!!!" he yelled.

Jasper then went upstairs for no reason, and was there when everyone else showed up, and saw dead kitty.

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE DONE KILLING KITTIES, JASPER!!!" Alice said, sobbing, and ran to her room.

Everyone was mad at Jasper, except Emmett, who knew the truth, and they decided to, together, watch Valair.

A day later, as they watched Valair without rest, like they needed it, Valair was outside, and jumped on a squirrel, killing the squirrel and sucking it's blood. Valair went inside, and Emmett ran to Edward, replaying the last few minutes in his mind.

"VALAIR! CHIHUAHUACABRA!! CHIHUAHUACABRAAAA!!!" He screamed, running around the house, not realized it when he stepped on Valair, killing him.

"Shoot, another dog down…" he mumbled.

"DANG! Another one? Geesh…Emmett is NOT nice…" Bella said, not really caring that Valair was dead because of what he did.

"Oops?" Emmett said.

"Eh, I don't care," Bella said as she walked away.

Emmett shrugged, then went to bury the chihuahuacabra.

Bella learned: Make sure, before you buy it, that your new Chihuahua isn't a chihuahuacabra!

Grave:

Here lies Valair,

May he not rest in peace, and..

May all chihuahuacabras be 'accidentally' killed by Emmett!

**a/n lol….this was originally more funny, but this is perty good too!! Lol…**


	11. Fido

**a/n sorry about the long time without an update! Here is one now anywayz…btw…the name is The Darkest Points, the weapon is The Psychopath Blonde's idea….yah…not mine :)**

Doomed Dogs

Right now, Mike Newtons dog is at the Cullens, having been left with Bella. You may ask why, and it's because he went on vacation and wanted an excuse to see Bella right after his vacation. So yeah…doggy is there! It's names is Fido, and it's boring and brown-furred everywhere.

So, Emmett's still obsessed with stupid and dangerous things, and is juggling machete's, and when he throws them all into the air, the doggy jumps into his lap!

"SHIZ! DOGGY! GET OFF!" He tries to tell doggy, but doggy doesn't do it.

Instead, Fido is KILLED!!!! Bella is ticked at him, and when Mike gets home…

"Ok…where's Fido?" Mike asks.

"Um…Emmett…" Bella said, rubbing the back of her neck nervously.

"Emmett was holding a knife wrong, and was trying to give it to Esme to cook, when he tripped. The dog was running around, and he got killed," Edward blurt in.

Mike left, crying!

"What?" Emmett said, "Oh, oops…oh well!"

They went on with their lives without a problem, but Fido never got the chance…

Mike Newton learned: NEVER leave a dog with Bella, she can never keep a dog for too long, and now MY dog dies?!?! Emmett MUST be a doggy murderer…the butthead…

Grave:

Here lies Fido

May he rest in peace, and…

May Mike Newton NEVER leave a dog with Bella, EVER AGAIN!

**a/n sorry that it sucks…I'm not the best at this…lol**


	12. like, Wonder

**a/n hey guys, sorry for not writing for over a month…I'm not that good at making sure I keep writing when I have a lot of other things to do…btw, the name was The Darkest Point's idea(it originally was just Wonder, but I added the 'like,' cuz I'm weird...) and the weapon is The Psychopath Blonde's idea.  
**

Doomed Dogs

Jessica Stanley walked up to Edward.

"Hey, like, will you like, watch my like, dog, like, please, like?" She asked, using the word like a total of 5 times.

Edward wanted to say no, but Rosalie heard, and, annoyed with how much Jessica loves to obsess over the Cullens, she answered for Edward, in her fake prep talk.

"OMGEEE! Like, SURE!! I'm SO sure Edward would like, love to like, do it! He like, LOVES dogs! They're so like, CUTE!!!!!" Rosalie said, voice super high and preppy and eyes wide and innocent, and all that shiz…by the way, she used 'like' 5 times too!!!

"Ooooh!! Like, THANKS! Rosalie, I like, always like, saw you like, kind of as a female dog, like, now I know you're like, totally not! like, that's SO like, cool!!! Like yeah! And her name is like, Wonder." Jessica beats Rosalie again in the number of likes, with 10!!

Before Edward could refuse, Jessica had a leash in his hands. Connected to that leash was a pink-dyed golden doodle. Groaning, Edward took the dog home…BAD CHOICE, EDDIE-BOY!!

When he arrives home, Jasper and Emmett are fighting over who Bella considers her closest brother.

Jasper says himself, because he was the one to help her when James was after her, and plus his wife is her BFF.

Emmett says himself because he's amazing and funny and awesome and didn't try to kill her. And didn't kill 29 cats.

In the fight, Emmett grabs a vacuum cleaner, and…TRIES TO ATTACK THE TOO-FAST JASPER WITH IT! Instead, he accidentally repeatedly attacks the poor golden doodle who dies within milliseconds of walking into the Cullen home and having her brains destroyed… ew…

"You killed 'like, Wonder'…" Edward said.

"NOW look who kills human pets!" Jasper said, poking out his tongue.

"You've killed more!" Emmett pointed out, "Oh, and 'oops.'"

The last Emmett said just for effect. Edward then took home 'like, Wonder' and told Jessica the mostly-truth.

Jessica learned: Believe Mike more often…not when he says that Jacob Black is a werewolf though…he's too hunky to be such an ugly thing! And I've seen him during full moons!

Grave:

Here Lies like, Wonder

May she rest in peace, and…

May all these idiotic humans stop leaving their dogs with vampires!!!

**a/n hope you like it! I know, it's different than most of the others…but I felt like it!**


	13. please read! not chapter!

**a/n Hi guys. I'm sorry to tell you guys...but I'm ditching Doomed Dogs. I am too bored with the story in general....I can't make myself write a new chapter!! plus you guys aren't reviewing a bunch. Try reading my serious fic, When Worlds Collide, which I just finished today, or a new fic I'll probably put up in 1 or 2 days.**

**again guys, I'm really sorry...but I've just chosen my writing style to be for serious fics instead of funny fics. serious fics are funner to write, though that probably makes no sense...-shrugs-. I've changed a lot over the past lotta years on fanfiction. I think it's actually been almost 2...but that's okay. I went from writing poorly like in Irresistible to writing funny stories too, like notes or this one, to writing better serious fics. Once in a while, if you like old funny me, I'll probably go back to old silly me style and write a funny one-shot, but probably not TOO often.**

**One last note...I'll tell you all when I get my book published and when it'll be in bookstores, but other than that and that I MAY, every once in a while, put up another chapter out of boredom, this is all for this story.**

**For probably the last time in a long time, byebye!!  
**


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